Biya’s Replacement: A Coup d’Etat is cheaper ⁰

As usual, there is news all over Cameroon on the possible replacement of Paul Biya, the country’s longest serving president in 2025. Mr. Biya has misruled the country for 42 years and he is slowly but surely yielding to the passage of time. Mr. Biya, who was considered by many in 1982 as a better option to the country’s first president, Amadou Ahidjo, is really running out of steam. His mine is failing him at a pace never seen before and this has become a huge concern for his entourage, especially those who have engaged in acts of impropriety and serious misconduct.

To the ordinary Cameroonian, Biya has become a millstone around his neck as suggested by a CPDM official. Speaking to the Cameroon Concord News, a key CPDM militant who elected anonymity said that “Biya has failed himself and Cameroonians and he is aware of his own catastrophic failure. When his mind gets reset by the strong drugs and steroids recommended by his Swiss doctors, he resorts to blaming everybody except himself for the excruciating pain he has inflicted on Cameroonians.  Biya is like our own Holy Ghost, unfortunately with an ironic twist. The Holy Ghost in the Bible is noted for its positivity, but Mr. Biya’s presence among Cameroonians is huge symbol of negativity. Where two or three Cameroonians are gathered, Biya is with them and they are always talking about him. The disaster which Mr. Biya and his henchmen have unleashed on Cameroon will linger for a very long time.”

“I have been hearing all this noise about replacing Biya through elections. Cameroon will never change through an election. The system is mined and if Cameroonians are looking forward to elections as the only way of changing things, then they are in for a tough disappointment. Cameroon is ripe for a coup d’etat and a coup will be less expensive compared to a fake election. A so-called election will require huge amounts of money. Many people will die before, during and after the election as the government is already strategizing on the type of terror it will unleash on the population during and after the election. There are many plans under way to exclude opposition voters and, as usual, after the results get published by the Constitutional Council, troops will be deployed and a state of emergency will be declared,” the CPDM stalwart lamented.

“A coup d’etat is cheaper! If we take a look at what has happened in Guinea, Gabon, Mali, Burkina and Niger, it is clearly emerging that a coup d’etat is the best option for Cameroon. In the other countries, there was no bloodshed. No money was spent on arms and ammunition. But a so-called democratic election in Cameroon will imply that billions will be poured into a flawed process, innocent lives will be destroyed, military resources will be wasted to intimidate the population as well as the political opposition, and the country’s infrastructure will be destroyed in the process. If Cameroon’s military is patriotic, it can help the country by putting an end to this nightmare which has already lasted 42 years. Biya is a real pain in our side,” the miserable CPDM supporter wept.

“I cannot speak up and out because I have already eaten, drunk and danced with the devil. The CPDM is like a cult. When you join them, you will never leave. Any attempt to leave will be met with all the intrigues and violence which will make your life and that of your family miserable. Biya has taken the country down a dark and treacherous path and our fear even within the party is that after him, the country would be enveloped in a thick cloud of violence. There are so many skeletons in Mr. Biya’s cupboard and that is why he wants to die in power. His dishonest collaborators know that and they have already been bought over. They are all willing to sink with the dying Biya because they know Cameroonians will never forgive them. The military will find it very easy to overthrow Mr. Biya whose grip on power is already loosening,” he added.

“Within the party, there are huge concerns about the future. Most party stalwarts are very sick. Marcel Niat just as Biya himself is a colony of diseases. Niat too is losing his mind. An enlarged prostrate triggering incontinence is keeping him permanently in diapers while Cavaye is staging his one-man show at the National Assembly. He has reduced the place to a drinking parlor, with his office drawers containing some of the most intoxicating liquors. On a normal day, Cavaye can down two huge bottles of liquor and that is just for the day as he will still drink more at home before going to bed. It is as if the taxpayer is paying him to slowly kill himself. Cavaye really wants to give the country a bad name. Many fear he might one day die in his office due to alcohol intoxication,” our source said.

“For now, the Prime Minister, Joseph Dion Ngute, is just looking for an exit strategy. He is sick and tired of all the games which have set the country back by at least a century. He cannot wait to leave. In his mind, everything in Cameroon is simply a pretty mess. Nothing is working. The country cannot boost of any good roads. The country’s railway system has collapsed while the national airlines is sinking further and further into bankruptcy. The young people within the corridors of power are working hard for the mess to continue so that they can continue to rob the country blind. Many of them have their family members in schools abroad. They are looking forward to completing their fees before Biya gets kicked out. The increasing noise about a coup or a strong opposition coalition is unsettling to them and it is keeping them awake all night,” our source concluded. 

Meanwhile the country’s opposition is taking steps to weave a strong coalition. Last week, Professor Titus Edzoa, a former minister under Biya, was in Europe to garner more support for the opposition project and the project is gaining traction with the country’s Diaspora supporting any and every effort which will see off the country’s president.

By Soter Tarh Agbaw-Ebai

Editor-in-Chief and Group Chairman